>me<

Welcome to my World..

Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be empty And weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here

>Reminisce<

Thursday, October 19, 2006

-They say that god resides within your parents..-

I wonder...and i am still looking for the answer..is god really this cruel?

They separarted some 15 years back and i am suffereing the consequences even to this day.I shiver even now whenever i hear my fathers voice.I remember his stern look and that rock hard stare of his, which can make death look like a cartoon character.His palms cold as if bloodless and everytime they rose for that tight slap across my face. Reason: i am 3 years old..he is playing chess with Bhola uncle..I am sitting on the big couch and playing with my big fat doll.I heard ma call me from the kitchen and i get off the sofa in a hurry and start running through the living room towards the kitchen.My doll in my hand hits the chess board on the table and the chess pieces fall all over the floor.the next thing i know i am being kicked and slapped and thrown from a height of 6 feet in to the air onto hard marble flooring.I am hurt..I get hurt.. I hear myself crying ....i am still crying.

Class 4: About 7 in the evening, guests at home.I am locked up in the bedroom by my dad.Ma gets warned not to let me out coz i would disturb the guests. i hear myself crying..i am still crying.

Class 6: im again in the bedroom , mom is sitting next to me. i am doing my homework. They had a fight..I walk upto dad..."i cant solve this question daddy".....i get my answer......i have 4 finger marks across my face. i go to school the next day like tat.And i am sitting at my desk and i hear myself..... i am still crying..

Class 10: I give my boards.Mathematics exam.One question: how much will u score: i would get 100.Results: i score 98.I enter home scared coz i knoiw my fate.... the metal ruler is ready..this time i see the belt too.I see mom come in between and she is pushed to the side. i see mom crying and all i see are the marks.....on my back.. on my hands... on my legs.....i hear myself crying.... i am still crying...

everynight since then: The constant fights , the constant abuses... the screaming... the cursings, the swearings...Today: he called.He still curses mom says its her fault and i listen, i bear, i hear,
i cry and i am still crying....

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| This angel fell @ 1:44 AM |

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

waqt ko thamne ki koshish mein
Hamne tumhe gawa diya
hamne sirf aapki khushiyon ki khatir
apne pyaar ko hi bhula diya

Labels: lyrics

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| This angel fell @ 11:56 PM |

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

-i hate flying...-

I had read somewhere...

leonardo da vinci : "Once a person has tasted flight he will forver walk this earth with his eyes skywards, for he had been there and will always long to go back there"

Me: "Dude with all due respect can i get u a Spice-jet ticket?"

I just landed today from one such "flight" and i would carefully choose my words and try not to upset the concerned.."The flight was interesting"
I learnt that it dosnt take too much for a heart to be seized by an attack.And that too something which lasts few seconds.I shall try and describe it and i know even before i start tat i cannot do justice to it..U have to experience it to understand...

Initially the craft goes round and round for some starnge reason even after announcing that " we are ready for landing and i suppose tat means we are landing but not here..in this particular aircraft we are ready for landing denotes we are at a decent.
Anyhow, so the craft is going round and round and i wonder have we lost our way or something, can that guy sitting in the cock-pit(find tat name funny) even see the taxing area...Why are we faffing around in the air?
So this bird is on its way to the ground and i can see the tared road next to me..and then i hear a deafening sound..its still ringing in my ears...does a jerk as hard as a situation wherein my shoulders bang into my next seat girl's shoulders is considered a bad landing?Or a shake which can make ur intestines churn and practically change the location of all of your vital organs be considered normal?

You tell me..

So Leo...flying is not an experience everyone enjoys..only a few priviledged ones..as far as my guess goes!!!

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

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| This angel fell @ 2:03 PM |

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

its a total mess.god please give me strength to hold strong.im on the edge of the cliff and i have just one foothold on the ground.I need to get through this and i need to do this ...save me..either take me with you or let me live...

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

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| This angel fell @ 3:22 PM |

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Saturday, October 07, 2006

yup..the "currently feeling" part explains this bad piece...

Ashes to lashes
Lust to dust
This razorblade romance of mine
is just about to burst
These itchy feet of mine
just dont seem to stop any where
i am doomed to wander in this thicket
till i find my own safe lair...

Currently feeling: moody

Listening to:

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| This angel fell @ 4:29 PM |

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-Nickelback-How you remind me-

One more..

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my headscream
"are we having fun yet?"
yeah, yeah, yeah, no, noyeah, yeah, yeah,
no, noit's not like you didn't know
thatI said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you
And this is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how, you remind me
Of what I really amI

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

Labels: lyrics

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| This angel fell @ 12:40 PM |

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-godsmack-i stand alone-

Cant tell you how much this helps at times....

Now I've told you this once before
You can't control me
If you try to take me down you're gonna pay
Now I feel your every nothing
that you're doing for me
I'm picking you outa me
you run away
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone

You're always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what you don't think that we can see your face
Resurrected back before the final fallen
I'll never rest until I can make my own way
I'm not afraid of fading
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
And now its my time (now its my time)
It's my time to dream (my time to dream)
Dream of the sky (dream of the sky)
Make me believe that this place isn't plagued
By the poison in me
Help me decide if my fire will burn out
Before you can breathe
Breathe into me
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside .......

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

Labels: lyrics

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| This angel fell @ 12:36 PM |

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

-Im doing good....-

Just woke up from sleep.Its about 3pm ist and i dont feel like leaving the bed.
Got a constant throbbing in my head
i see about 6 msgs on my cell fone flashing.
Couple of offliners on the desktop.
wonder would peoples' life change is i was not around?
would it have been better or worse.

Yesterday i was asked by a friend of mine to "check out" this site which had something to do with buddhism and nichiren and the way of peace and individuality and how you can first overcome your own faults and hence try and make the world a better place and stuff.
He kinda was shocked after he went through my blog and seriously thought that i had harped upon my suicidal tendencies and am on my way to self destruct.
I very much love myself and the small small things around me bring me happiness.I do have a special someone in my life and yes i love chocolates too.
So i dont see anything that is worth a worry.

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

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| This angel fell @ 2:53 PM |

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-wishful thinking-

Flashes in my head:

heavy breathing
trickles of sweat
few candles
a big bed
satin sheet
a thousand heartbeats
passionate kisses
your hands on my back
my lips on yours
and silence......lots of it.....

P.S:This was an offline request to this list:
Black candles
Loads of cushions

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

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| This angel fell @ 8:40 AM |

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

-Reprimand me..i give a shit...-

It's been a long time..Havent really had a chance to get to the "create post" page lately.

So..here it goes..
Last sunday..i was 5 Large shots of vodka and 2 beers down.Havent had mixed drinks for quite sometime now and yes..it did take its toll on me.And i am proud to say that i can still hold myself staright and get back home and yes get online and try to talk sense in a converstaion.

I came to know yesterday that my ecstatic state which i try and hide from a few people(who dont appreciate it) was discussed by someone whom i had totally trusted.
And i have to admit it didnt hurt me but i surely got a little upset with that person.I guess i never ezpected the person to discuss me with his closed ones...
i guess i was wrong.so anyways...I became a subject of casual taunts about my drinking habits and ah yes..never forget the smoking debate that i keep getting into with people..

Ahh..the dos and the donts..
Hey girl..u gotto slow down..
hey babe..its not good for your health....
hey.. you shouldnt be smoking....
hey..its only taking away from you....
hey.. you are ruining your life.....

ARGH...Take a walk people!!!!

Currently feeling:

Listening to:

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| This angel fell @ 4:08 PM |

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>The Fallen<
My name is...it doesn't matter....All you need to know is that I am a psychoneurotic.I am paranoid.I am obsessive.I am unpredictable. I am jealous.I am domineering.I am over-protective.I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. I am a nervous wreck.I am hydrophobic.I am confused. I am guilty.I suffer from mnemophobia.I am unjustified.I am disturbed, demented, deranged and distracted. I am Acrophobic.I am a pessimist.I believe that any man is a sad excuse for a human being.I wish killing men would be legalised. I would have been seen carrying a shot gun with me all the time.I sincerely believe that yin is stronger than yang. I still believe that fire spitting dragons exist even now. I am a crazy shit headed control freak. You are probably much more saner than me..And i probably dont give a shit...